I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
