I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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