I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
