somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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