FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
