You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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