Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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