Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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