am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
