Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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