Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
