I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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