I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize