i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
How does one acquire holy water?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize