I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just forgot I was standing up.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
