i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
