The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
