so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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