My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
