would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
