He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Say something about gay babies.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
