I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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