He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
