I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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