I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
