Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
