i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
