I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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