Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
