I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
