I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize