last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
