She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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