you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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