Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
