So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
