Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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