My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
