I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
