3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
