I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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