You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
