Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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