While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
