At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
