Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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