Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
