i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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