I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
