Moan for me like Helen Keller
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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