Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
