Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Is it penis luge time yet?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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