ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So many bounce houses so little time
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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