Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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