i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
