so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
