I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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