Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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