I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize