im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
