No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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