I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
