So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize