the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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